Punctual, provocative, porta potty extraordinaire.
Sexy, svelte, super prepared.
Maternal multitasking MILF.
Whatever your understanding of the definition is, the stereotypical soccer mom lives up to her name as a woman who always has her shit together. She is hot with a body to match, she can juggle multiple children and equipment with ease. Her make up and accessories look effortless and are always on point. This particular stereotype is part human, part mythical majestic beast.
If you believe you have what it takes to transform yourself into this woman, and are fully committed to obtaining this elite status, here are the 11 essential tips to follow:
1. You must make the decision to face the dreaded porta potty head on and adopt the “take no prisoners” mentality to barrel into that shack of excrement with no fear always preparing for the worst. A deep fragrant poop pit with no toilet paper in sight, already half full of grizzly bear sized droppings and it’s only 9 am, which brings me to #2…ahem, see what I did there?
2. Bring your own toilet paper…See #1 It’s just a shitty situation all the way around. In these unspeakable conditions you can only depend on yourself, and everyone wants to be your friend because you have the T. P. This is a full proof plan.
3. Invest in a cute baseball cap or sporty visor and some cutoff blue jean shorts. Nuff said.
4. Get down with your bad self and all up in that crock pot. Shoved in the back of your cupboard and rarely used, the crock pot is your secret weapon. Dinner is always planned because soccer moms set it and forget it. Become one with your slow cooker. This way you can take the kids to practice and upon arriving home at 8 pm, make sure a hot meal awaits your hangry clan and that you can throw back a cocktail instead of throwing dinner together. With this tip the stereotypical soccer mom always looks like a multitasking genius.
5. Get yourself a sweet ass minivan. This tip is imperative! Barreling into the parking lot in your family wagon like a bat out of hell making sure they arrive to practice on time is critical.
6. Always accessorize with a Starbucks coffee cup or other personal artsy tumbler containing a wheat grass smoothie, refreshing lemon water, or homemade protein shake.
7. Arm yourself with snacks! All hail snacks! Non GMO Crackers, gluten-free protein bars, organic orange slices etc, to facilitate a snack arsenal. Hoard these items in the trunk, the glove box, the center console, the awkward and unnecessarily large cooler so effortlessly carried from field to field etc…
8. Get yourself a pair of black oversized sunglasses. It says, “I’m sexy, mysterious and better than you,” or “I’m exhausted, have a full set of luggage under each eye and need to keep reminding myself that it’s not worth the jail time.” However you want to work it, you have that option.
9. Water! Water everywhere. You must have multiple cases in your trunk and on your person at all times. Practice saying “drink some water” repeatedly to prepare those vocal chords for the nagging torment they will release upon your child. You will say these words no less than 1000 times in a season. Doing this will get you ready for what’s to come and really drive home the obvious fact that hydration is essential to your child if you want them to avoid death.
10. Exercise those pipes and those muscles. Practice grunting, screaming, jumping up and down, pacing the field, cracking your knuckles, lip biting, deep heavy breathing and the art of knowing when to walk away. This is the orchestrated art of the stereotypical soccer mom on game day.
11. Make a conscious effort to either show off your tits or your ass. A stereotypical soccer mom’s wardrobe should consist of tight and inappropriately low-cut tank tops or itty bitty booty shorts.
Choose the one that best suits you. Contrary to popular belief the combination of both together, although rare, does occur. If you feel that you have what it takes to do both, you need to own it, period. There is no half assing on this one. Strut your stuff for all to see. Who cares if it’s a completely improper and tactless display at a children’s function! You have an image to uphold.
If you can follow these 10 tips, you will be well on your way to transforming into a stereotypical soccer mom. The ability to conquer number 11 is quite impressive but absolutely brings the entire image and label together. Give yourself plenty of time to truly master each one. You may be a natural, or it may take a few seasons to truly perfect. When you’ve arrived you’ll know, as will the many onlookers attempting to watch their kids play soccer.