Having two daughters in no way prepared me for the birth of my son on the 3rd go round. The dirt, the mischief, the urine. Dear God the urine. The best way to describe my handsome little beast would be to morph Dennis the Menace and Curious George. Buttons must be pushed, doors must be opened, remotes must be taken apart. Things must be broken and smashed merely to find out if they can be. Like a moth to a flame, if it is dangerous or has the potential to be life threatening, they will be drawn to it. Although the surprise will wear off after a while in these situations, that does not mean that you will lose the sensation to shit your pants, succumb to a mild heart attack or puke when they occur. Those feelings will remain. Yay! I am not a patient person, I don’t enjoy chaos, and I like things to be in order. Buahahaha! What the fuck was I thinking? My son absolutely broke me and I am thankful for it everyday…well almost. I mean at least on the days that I don’t fantasize about running away from home, punching someone in the throat or drinking an entire bottle of whiskey, but I digress.
I’ve taken it upon myself to compile a list of important things mothers of boys should know.
1. Boys like to climb. Scratches, gashes and bruises are part of the territory. What used to be “oh my God? What are you doing! Get down off of that dilapidated rotting wooden fence!” Has turned into “sigh…well, I’ve got tweezers and he’s got his tetanus shot so were good.” Invest in plenty of peroxide, Neosporin and Band-aids. Band-aids make everything better.
2. Poop and farts are funny. Really funny. Smelling them is even funnier.
3. Don’t invest in expensive clothing. Seriously, it will be destroyed. Don’t even think about buying anything white after your bundle of joy reaches 14 months of age. People who bestow gifts of clothing upon you in this color should be slapped. A 3-year-old boy will never cease to amaze you with how many times they can successfully ruin their wardrobe and yours, which reminds me, don’t be an asshole and purchase a white bedspread for yourself. Two words, Buyers remorse. Grass, dirt, and grease oh my! Countless hours will be spent hovering over the washing machine scrubbing the shit out of unidentified splooge stains.
4. Sticks are the best! You can buy all of the toys you want and shower your boy with lavish gifts but a stick is the business. A sword, a wand, a fresh dog turd impaler. The possibilities are endless.
5. Star Wars is inevitable. It is imprinted in their genes. However, due to the destruction of multiple household trinkets aka: breaking a shit ton of my stuff, and a narrowly avoided flat screen T.V catastrophe, Lightsabers are optional.
6.Scab picking is totally a thing. Boys pick their scabs. It’s fucking gross. See #1 above. Scratches and gashes become scabs and it’s a pickfest. Oozy scabs, crusty scabs. You will clean and disinfect said scabs. Get used to it.
7. Buck up for bugs! Night crawlers, potato bugs, slugs, snails and the like. Your ‘lil man will find them. You will find them as well, in your house, your car, your bed.
8. Outlet covers do not work. They are pointless. Curious boys will remove them anyway… and possibly stick a stainless steel fork into the socket blowing every fuse in your circuit breaker miraculously not suffering any harm during the process. I can neither confirm nor deny this kind of riff raff happening in my home…
9. Rocks! Must. Be. Thrown. It is a right of passage for a boy. Some sort of casualty is almost guaranteed. Secure a good health insurance plan.
10. You will clean up pee…for years after diapers. On the floor, the walls, another child, etc.
11. There is something about being naked and letting the penis and balls swing freely. Although as adults we may feel the same, this is something only toddlers can get away with and not have it be called “indescent exposure” where you would be taken away by law enforcement and spend the night in the clinker.( I’m speaking for a friend…ahem.) Live vicariously through them and just go with it.
12. Invest in Lego’s, not coloring books. You will endure countless episodes of sharp and blunt force foot trauma while shouting obscenities in the dark like “FUCK!” and “MOTHERFUCKER!” but it’s a sacrifice you are willing to make. Trust me.
13. To your son, you are ‘the shit.’ To them, everything you do, you do “like a boss.” It’s pretty awesome. They will love and adore you with every fiber of their being. It’s the recognition you deserve for the bizarre and exasperating shenanigans you will be put in the midst of.
There is never a dull moment. Take it from me, the Type A personality, aka: bitchy, impatient, control freak. Life is short! Have fun and remind yourself not to be a total ‘D’ bag. Your son is only young once. Embrace the bodily fluids, soiled laundry and discarded scabs…not literally of course and enjoy the exhausting adventure that having a son truly is.
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