As a child, I had delusions of grandeur. Of perhaps one day, my parents taking me to the ever popular Chuck E Cheese of the 1980’s because just maybe, they wanted to celebrate their kick ass offspring…but alas, it was not to be. I had to rely on the good graces of childhood birthday invitations to be granted access to walk through those finger print smeared doors where “a kid can be a kid.” Games, chaos, and out of control obnoxiousness being welcomed and encouraged. After all, it’s implied in the slogan! I honestly don’t know who was more excited to explore this indoor, 3000 square foot petri dish of pandemonium, me or the birthday child. Maybe I have deep rooted issues of childhood deprivation and can clearly remember how something so simple as a trip to Chuck E Cheese would have filled me with overwhelming happiness. Maybe I am struggling with parental overcompensation, or maybe it’s because it’s just a pizza joint and we all need to relax.
Here are the top 5 reasons why I take my kids to Chuck E Cheese.
5. The creepy, talking, robotic characters with ginormous eyeballs that never blink in unison. It’s a poor design I’ll admit that. The lip synching is almost as bad as Britney Spears, BUT this ethnically diverse music band sparks up a nostalgia for me. It’s what everyone envisions when they think of Chuck E Cheese. The washed up, one hit wonder crew consisting of two barnyard animals, 1 Italian dude, and a purple monster with yellow nostrils that perform (poorly) over 70 shows a day for hundreds of pint sized groupies. It’s all part of the experience.
4. Yes, it’s indoors. Germs are breeding and bacteria are multiplying. Rhinovirus, pink eye, viral gastroenteritis aka: diarrhea, it’s all there and it’s no mystery that you are most certainly playing Russian Roulette with your mucus membranes. That’s why the entire building is strategically placed with various hand sanitizer stations. Squirt your little heart out or take it back old school and actually wash your hands with soap and water in the bathroom. My advice? Don’t lick your fingers or suck on the joysticks. I’m not trying to engage in verbal fisticuffs here, but it’s a couple hours of your time. Suck it up.
3. I’ll admit, I am a total food snob and I don’t relish in the idea of eating here BUT, the flavorless cardboard disguised as pizza is a thing of the past my friends. The menu has changed! Their bbq Chicken pizza is actually tasty. Grilled chicken with crispy fried onions and tangy bbq sauce?? Umm…yes please. Three different flavors of chicken wings! To pair with your pitcher of beer of course. And churros! What child doesn’t like a warm and crispy rod of dough covered in cinnamon and hyperactivity sprinkles? The monotony of inserting tokens for hours while dragging around hundreds of tickets to be redeemed for worthless prizes can really make you build up an appetite.
2. Skee Ball is the business. Me, a pitcher of beer, and the Skee Ball machine?? Just keep those quarters coming and leave me be…unless you want to challenge me? In a side by side arcade blood bath? Well then, grab your balls and let’s do this!
1. The most important reason of all. IT’S NOT ABOUT ME. It’s about my kids! It’s about what is considered fun and exciting for them. Listen, I don’t want to go to snotty Amber’s birthday invite for a 3 hour indoor trampoline party that smells like feet and ass, but again, it’s not about me. I’m a parent, and somewhere in the contract it specifically states that parents are required to actively participate in these shenanigans even if it poses a risk to our health and sanity.
Sit back and relax! Who are we kidding? What I really mean is, challenge your limits of mental and physical exhaustion while chasing your kids around relentlessly. And without fail, watch that giant, human sized, rat bring abundant amounts of joy and excitement to the hearts of children everywhere.
Do you agree? Did I make you chuckle?
Vote for me pretty PLEASE!