Ladies, wives, mothers! I think it’s time to confess. Just in time for summer. It’s time to come clean and start fresh without the extra baggage and secrecy bringing us into the fall school year. Can you answer this question truthfully? Are you leading a double life? A life of concealed antics to which your children are completely unaware? Do you need to get something off of your chest? If you are confused as to exactly what I’m implying, look inside yourself and tell the truth, because school is out, the heat is here, and summertime day drinking always brings out the honesty.
By day and in the presence of your children, you are a well composed, G rated, nurturing mother. You make appointments and sack lunches. Wearing a cardigan, you communicate with curse words like-
“Son of a gun!”
“What the heck?”
“This is bologne!”
And when you’re really upset, “Are you freaking kidding me?” paying particular attention to the tone and volume upon delivery.
In your mom role, you humbly endure the gruesome booger and butt wiping trenches while dishing out hand sanitizer and multivitamins like a bonafide hustler. Legos and puzzles are your favorite past time. Comforting a child after a bad dream is the definition of your midnight rendezvous. You talk about feelings and read children’s books aloud with enthusiastic narration. Running a tight ship with schedule execution and structure is the name of your game. Permission slip and reading log signatures are your specialty. You are all too proper and polite at the parent teacher conference laying it on thick about how much you are truly trying to embrace Common Core. But let’s not kid ourselves, this is a double life you lead. The perfect covert operation that no one would ever suspect, a magnificent masquerade if you will.
Let’s put it all out there; vulnerability 101. There is another you. Another you that comes out on select nights of freedom or on the rare occasions when you have a sitter. There are no boundaries and all bets are off. You are carefree and fun with a filthy mind and mouth. You say things like-
“Son of a bitch!”
“What the fuck?”
“This is some bullshit.”
Throwing out “asshole” from time to time is a given.
You transform into an easily aroused two bit floozy, oozing promiscuity while making vulgar remarks and gestures to your spouse. Allowing explicit verbs describing sexual acts to escape your lips…in no specific order. You wear your hair down, ditching the convenient and practical mom bun while implementing mascara AND eyeliner together. It’s a summer miracle! You drink to achieve a good buzz and not just to take the edge off.
Capable of much more than just a finger snap or toe tap, you demonstrate dance moves that would make J.Lo proud. Flaunting this suggestive and risqué choreography results in uncontrollable perspiration and inappropriate thoughts from spectators. You revel in this role. You have sex with the door opened. You may even sleep naked! God bless those glorious occasions amirite? My point is that your alter ego is a force to be reckoned with.
Let me be the one to go ahead and state the obvious. We are married with children and ridiculous amounts of responsibility, but we are not dead! Should we be ashamed of ourselves? Of this false front we put on? This elaborate facade? Absolutely not! The desire to throw our inhibitions to the wind and participate in foul mouthed debauchery while using colorful expletives in the presence of other adults is perfectly acceptable. Sometimes the snot covered cardigan must come off and the matching lingerie, painted on jeans and sailor’s lingo must come out. Embrace your naughty side! It keeps us young and vibrant, and reminds us that life is not to be lived solely for our children. We are encouraged to keep our own identity and relish in forbidden and frowned upon shenanigans from time to time. Just keep living the dream ladies, your secrets are safe with me. However, If you still feel that these words may very well put your entire operation in jeopardy, simply close your browser, clear the history and pretend that this article never happened…suggesting for a friend of course.