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My “Natural” Southern California Glow…Ahem

Look, let’s face the facts.  Pale and pasty isn’t the best look for many of us. I’m Irish. A European mutt of sorts. I’m white; incredibly white. A white canvas of encroaching age spots and freckles.  I’m in my mid 30’s.  Crepe paper skin and wrinkles are rapidly transforming my body.  The extra weight, pressure, and poor circulation from 3 pregnancies have left a graveyard of broken capillaries and blood vessels on the backs of my legs. I realize of course that I am perfectly imperfect but that doesn’t change the fact that every so often these imperfections leave me feeling less than adequate.  The sex appeal equivalent to that of a worn out dish rag if you will. This is where my bottle of magic and miracle trickery comes in. Call it whatever you want. Flaw fixer, cellulite concealer, or crease and crinkle camouflage.  For me, sunless tanning lotion is the shit.

I exit the shower, dry off and slather it on. I morph into somewhat of a contortionist and smear it over every inch of myself. Even strokes all over that naked body. I apologize if you just threw up in your mouth from that visual, but my point it to be thorough and for God’s sakes wash your hands afterwards. Wash. Your. Hands!! Or you will be left with an obnoxiously conspicuous carrot like hue for 2-4 days. Beware the overzealous and impatient ‘glow getter’! This is meant to be a gradual change. In other words, don’t get too hasty or your whole body could take on a Oompa Loompa ‘esqe’ tone.

oompa loompa giphy

I will never step foot into a tanning booth again.  Carelessness in my early twenties has left me with skin cancer removal surgery on my face.  I’m honest with myself.  I am susceptible to cancer and I can no longer afford to bake in the actual blistering sun, let alone the artificial bulb generated sun.  My ten-dollar bottle of foaming tanning lotion is the only option from here on out. I still want to look somewhat like a sexy beast, is that a crime? Last I checked, thin and veiny wasn’t the most attractive way to describe a woman…or a penis.  This sunless savior aids in the illusion that things are still very much “high and tight” and fabricates a much more desirable regard for my stick like gams.  My grisly feet, once boney and gangly are now remodeled into slightly tolerable.  The skeletal frame that is my body has gotten it’s sexy back with just a little color.  Ten dollars well spent wouldn’t you say?

White lies never hurt anyone right?  I say it’s my natural Southern California glow, that this sun kissed look is standard but let’s get real.  If it drops below 70 degrees, I’m in pants and long sleeves.  Not much sun exposure happening for this old broad, yet my “glow” remains.  Conspiracy? no. Color in a can? Yes.

If you think I’m somewhat funny “ish”  click here! It helps me out a lot!!!!

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Thank you!!!

About the author

Sara Pittman

Sara is from sunny San Diego CA. She is a wife, busy mother of 3 and amateur chef stumbling through organized chaos on a daily basis using sarcasm and humor to soften the blow...that's what she said. She will take any opportunity to demonstrate the running man in public and enjoys being a sarcastic smart ass.

21 Comments

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  • I never use self tanner since I hate waiting for it to dry and I always feel like there is a slight smell. What brands do you like? I am super pale right now and def need a boost…

  • Cracking up because I have same problem Oh girl I’m pasty too! And so are my poor children I’m all about the color in a tube I feel ya

  • I take pasty white to a new level. You will have to tell me what brand of sunless stuff you use…I have never been able to find one I like. And “I want an oompa loompa nowwwwwwwwwwwww daddy.”

  • Hmmm, I might just have to try this out. I have not tried tanning lotion since I was 12 years old and got carrot-hand syndrome pretty badly. What brand do you suggest?? I’m so whiiiiiiiiite!

  • <—–white girl FO'LIFE. For the record, I may or may not have practically purchased stock in Victoria's Secret self tanning tinted lotion. They only sell it half the year so I buy several bottles at once. I get migraines and this one doesn't flare them up like other brands. They have a spray one too that I tried once but couldn't find next time I wanted to buy it. You still have to rub it in though so I was like, what is the point of this? (Also, I laughed out loud at the oompa loompa gif)

  • I love this post ..LMAO!!! Yeap I use Jergens too. Nothing like tan in a can or tube. I use to worship the sun and tanning beds but after my mom had skin cancer I don’t visit either anymore. Thanks for this post and making me laugh a bit.

  • I love this post! I don’t use sunless tanner but I should. Having a baby aged me (or maybe I just got older, hah). You are too funny.

  • I live 5 minutes from the beach in Malibu. I’m sooo pasty white! Recently had a baby and since he can’t be out in the sun for longer periods of time I found that I got extremely ghostly white. I used self tanner for the first time in my life. I felt so weird using tanner living in socal but it saved me from feeling uncomfortable at the beach for the first time with my friends. Great post!

  • Another pasty California girl here! Love fake tanners, without them I’d never be seen in a skirt, dress, or shorts! Don’t want to blind people with my glaringly white legs! 🙂

  • Wow, am sure you california girls are not as pasty as you say ,you should try living in England! Am definitely going to retry some colour in a can now, haven’t used it since I was in my 20s and gave up because of the risk of looking like an oopma loompa. Sounds like it has improved since then 🙂

  • Funny as always, and right on! I too use sunless tanning; I like the appearance of a slightly bronzed appearance, without the worry of skin cancer from baking in the actual sun. I’m the same otherwise- kind of pale and veiny, and who needs that?? But I agree with what you said about WASHING YOUR HANDS, very thoroughly after use… made that mistake as a sunless tanner newbie ONCE. Not a pretty sight.

  • I’m all about the sunless tanners!!! I was a tanorexic for years and it definitely left its marks on my skin. Now that I’m older and wiser I know premature aging skin is definitely not a good look so sunless it is! Refuse to use an actual tanning bed ever again

  • Your post cracked me up! It does sound like ten dollars well spent. I have not tried sunless tanners from fear of turning orange (so I remain quite pale). But, maybe some day I will venture out and try it after reading about your experience. : 0 )

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