I awoke with an unexplainable fullness in my heart. A sense of peace and comfort flowed through me. For a split second it felt real, but upon emotionally stumbling out of my grogginess I realized that it was in fact a dream. A magnificent dream.
My father passed away just before my 23rd birthday. His death was rather sudden and unexpected. The man I looked at as invincible was gone and I was in emotional shambles. Within a year of his death I was married and pregnant with my first child. Thoughts of regret would wash over me. I wish he could see his beautiful granddaughter. Look what he’s missing. With the birth of my second daughter I couldn’t shake a few of those same feelings of grief and emptiness. He would have been so proud If he could just see our family.
One evening after finally putting a 4 week old newborn and a 2 year old toddler to bed, I myself fell asleep; a deep, exhaustion induced sleep. In this sound slumber, I dreamt a magnificent dream. Together in a sublime setting of radiant white, my father and grandmother sat together on a golden park bench and began a conversation with me. I was complimented on my daughters and their beauty. Despite my inner doubts regarding my capability to be a good mother, I was praised for a job well done. These were words of love and pride that I had so longed to hear. My father then said to me in a loving and nurturing tone like I’d never heard from him before, “there is one more Sara, one more waiting.” I was confused. He began to elaborate. “When you are ready, this little boy is waiting” and there in between the familiar family I knew, was a very unfamiliar tiny faceless child. “He is safe with us and will be waiting until you are ready.” This dream was undeniably genuine. As real as my fingers against this keyboard. I was to become a mother of three, and when the time was right a baby boy would bless our family.
Three financially crippling years later, my husband and I found ourselves at odds on the decision to expand our family. I assured him that a baby boy was waiting on our decision. With my dream made clear yet again, he put his faith in me and we agreed to try one more time. I was beyond confident that this vivid prediction would transpire. A week later my 5 year old daughter stopped me in our laundry room with a look of contentment and said, “Mom, you have a baby in your belly and it’s a boy.” Her statement took my breath away. Warmth and elation passed through my entire body. Within a week, pregnancy was declared. I knew it! Months later an ultrasound confirmed what I had known all along. In a small dark room, while we strained our eyes to depict the images on the black and white screen, the four of us wept tears of joy upon hearing the words “it’s a boy.” Excitement and anticipation occupied the next few months and in the wee hours of a crisp October morning I gave birth to a healthy blue eyed baby boy. My newborn son had the blue eyes of his grandfather. Our family was complete. Our family is complete.
The reoccurring emotions of sadness and doubt that my father was somehow missing out on my life were all for naught. He had seen everything all along. He has shared in my trials and triumphs and has been by my side through it all. Although he is no longer here physically, his presence is with me. Being blessed with the opportunity to experience and recognize this is an amazing gift.