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Once Upon a Time at Home Depot…

If you ever need to be reminded of why being a woman is awesome, take a stroll through The Home Depot.

I was sent by the hubby to buy blinds for the bedroom with a sheet of paper in hand containing exact measurements.  I have no desire to go to The Home Depot…ever.  It’s dirty and it’s crowded, occupied by ass scratching, ball grabbing neanderthals.   From the looks that are being shot in my direction, I get the feeling that these men are all exchanging silent dialogue. “What’s a woman doing in here? this is a man’s store! Rawr!” …commence chest pounding.  Either that or I feel like a succulent strip steak thrown into the lion’s den.

It’s 11 a.m on a Thursday.  It smells of feet and butt crack. Cigarette smoke and propane.  Combine those aromas with the wafting odor of random belches containing the regurgitated scents of early morning taco shop burritos, Egg McMuffins and Breakfast Jacks from the typical contractor gut buster breakfast and you have “Eu De Home Depot” Cologne.

Back to the task at hand, and the sheet of paper.  “Just hand it to the guy” my husband tells me.  First of all, What guy?  Where are all of the employees?  Do they all run and hide in the mezzanine, leaving the exact aisle you need help in completely desolate?  Why can’t I find ANYONE in an orange apron?

After asking twice and waiting 10 minutes, a middle-aged man hacking up a lung with the customer service skills of a stale cracker graced me with his presence.  I did as the hubby had told me.  “I need these blinds in this size (handing him the paper) can you cut them for me?” “We don’t have that size” is what was replied.  I was not prepared for that.  I don’t do measurements. Give me english or geography, but dear God don’t give me math!  It’s always a blood bath with me and anything math related. Math remains the undefeated champion.  The man told me that he only had 64″ blinds not 72″ and then mumbled something under his breath about length and width all the while with his back turned to me. I called the hubby to tell him the good news. He had me repeat the measurements over the phone and informed me that we’d in fact bought the same blinds here before for the same type of window, so they must carry that size.  He then asked me what the overall measurements were and this is when my 4-year-old began to whine and repeat in a cult like satanic tone “what is taking so long, what is taking so long” at least 18 times.  My hubby has been with me for 15 years, clearly he should know that this was not a question I was best suited to answer.  My educated response was “I don’t know.” He then told me to put the Home Depot man on the phone.  The conversation went something like this; “hello? yeah, yep, ok, right, ok I’ll take a 1/2″ off.” Conversation over.  Mind blown.  Why am I even here?

The ever so helpful gentleman informed me that I most certainly needed a cart to carry those heavy blinds.  A “cart”, not a large, orange, barge-like trailer.  You say “cart” and I think “shopping cart”, it’s implied in the name for crying out loud.  I ventured to the front of the store for a “shopping cart” and upon returning to my blinds, was met with a face of sheer disappointment.  This dude wanted me to get the trailer “cart.”  Oh well.  He dropped the 2 boxes of blinds over the top of said cart.  Such an innovative and efficient idea. Now I get to maneuver my way through the aisles while holding onto these things and trying to prevent my son from rebar impalement or a forklift hit and run.

looking rather ridiculous, I stopped and did what any blogger would do, I took a picture.

home depot blinds

I heard a man’s voice behind me trying to imitate a girly “ish” speech with a rather condescending tone.  “Are we posting to Facebook?” he asked.  That was it. I had had enough of the looks, the aromas, and the crowd.  I turned around and said “no, actually I’m texting this to my husband with a caption that says “why the fuck didn’t you come get these God damn blinds yourself.” The man’s smile left rather quickly and his reply was a solemn “oh.” Thankfully my son had walked out the front doors and into the street completely unsupervised at that moment so he didn’t hear me…phew. The cashier took my money with a light smirk.  I think she was quietly giving me props, or deciding that I’m a stupid dumb chick that needs to get out of her store. Once in the parking lot, I felt freedom, and then I remembered that I still needed to get these bastards home. Loading these blinds into the car was almost as equally enjoyable as purchasing them.

In the end, I completed my mission and got those blinds, along with filthy hands, a comfy sweat drenching while trying to puzzle piece them into the minivan, and a serious blow to my pride.  My only responsibility should be to enjoy and admire my new window treatments; period. Bottom line, this is not a store for me and being a woman never felt so good. I won’t be buying stock in the Depot or applying for their high interest rate credit card.  Their slogan should be changed from “you can do it, we can help” to “you may attempt it,  we don’t give a shit.”  Much more accurate in my opinion.

About the author

Sara Pittman

Sara is from sunny San Diego CA. She is a wife, busy mother of 3 and amateur chef stumbling through organized chaos on a daily basis using sarcasm and humor to soften the blow...that's what she said. She will take any opportunity to demonstrate the running man in public and enjoys being a sarcastic smart ass.

31 Comments

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  • Great Blog Sara I can relate to the frustrated women because they come into Dixieline with their husbands chick scratch on paper and try to get stuff too but at least our store doesn’t smell like Depot! Lol

  • He owes you. My husband suffers from the misconception that going to HD or Lowes is something we should do TOGETHER. I’d cut him if he suggested I go by myself. You’re a good woman. And, he totally owes you.

  • You are one brave chick haha! My husband frequents that place every time he gets the chance – I can’t handle that place. Every time I go I get headaches looking around!!

  • For a year I was pseudo-assistant to this guy. I basically would help out with various errands every other week. Well, one day he decided he needed blackout blinds and sent me to Home Depot to both buy the blinds AND install them. Obviously something about me screamed “Handy!” I think it helped that I had a woman helping me out when it came to cut the blinds down to size. I can’t deal with condescending male staff. But you did it and survived to tell the tale. And I think you deserved a nice glass of wine after that 😉

  • I have a love/hate relationship with Home Depot. I love it because I feel like when I walk in there I can tackle even the most difficult of projects, even though realistically I know I’d never be able to build a pergola by myself. I loathe it because sometimes, and I mean, most of the time, I do feel “less than” by the male workers. Even some of the women working there can be just as judgmental, if not, worse than their male counterpart. I just hold my head up and walk around there like I know what I’m doing there! 😀

  • As a family of honest to god do-it-yourselfers, I quite loved this post. I fucking hate HD with a raging passion, and I hate being sent there to find shit I don’t know a thing about. My kids will accompany Husband on occasion if bribed with the promise of a nasty ass hot dog, but I tend to whine and cry a little when he asks me to go. It’s awful. And you’re right- there is a ton of ball scratching going on over there. Next time I go, I’m going to scratch my ass crack, a lot, and see if that gets me some respect!! Preach, bitch!

  • We don’t have Home Depot here, but if I’m going to the hardware store I always have my husband with me. I just hate going in by myself and getting the wierd looks of “what does SHE want?”

    • So true. Just like getting my oil changed anywhere but the dealer… I have to bring the hubbs with me or I’m being asked to replace and purchase 10 things I don’t need.

  • I frequent home improvement stores a lot. Probably once a week or so. Most of the time my Husband and I tag team it, going in together. But, no mater if I am alone or with him I get looks from the “real” men in there. Other then the paint aisle, that seems to be girly enough for chicks to hang out in. I was doing a project with galvanized pipes to make into a console table. A guy jokingly asked if I was going to be doing the pipe work myself with a grunt. I told him “No, I am making a console table that will be featured online, in a online magazine, and will make me just as much money as any job as a plumber will.” That shut him up real fast. I was not going to make as much as a plumber, I am sure. But, the implication was there and he got the message. The stores usually have a rusty smell. Go to the wood section and breathe in. Then the rest of the trip you have fresh cut wood smell. Or the flower section, but that just seems so girly to say :/

  • This is so funny! A welcomed giggle to start off my morning. It seems our Home Depot’s are quite different here in Canada. You are usually inundated with customer service representatives trying to ‘help’ you. Maybe it’s because I am a woman in an almost entirely man-driven store, and they feel I obviously have no idea what I am doing, but the ‘helpfulness’ becomes a little annoying when all you need is a light bulb.

  • Oh no! I love it there, it might be your store. I’ve never had that problem at ours, the people are so nice. We just moved and I don’t have a Home Depot here, but the Lowe’s is nice here. Good luck next time!

  • haha I love that you stopped to take a picture of the cart. I am lucky in that I have a very nice new home depot near me that isn’t too tainted yet. It’s my husbands favorite place but I stay away for the most part.

  • This was so funny- I had many experiences like this when we were building a home- totally out of my element in unfamiliar worlds of tradesmen! I find Sherwin Williams like that too!

  • I’ve been there, sista! I actually love Home Depot, but, like you, I’ve run into my share of morons while there. A perfect example. I went there to buy a tub faucet to replace the one we had. I knew they had the stand alone version.. I’d seen them before, I just didn’t know where they were in the store. I asked two older guys standing around in orange aprons. The conversation went something like this: “A what?” “A tub faucet.. you know, the spout.” “A faucet?Yeah, over here.” “No, not the kits with the taps, etc. Just the faucet.” “A faucet? Yeah, we don’t carry those.””Yes, you do. You know, the part that comes out of the wall that water comes out of? That.”” Oh, you mean the spout. You didn’t say spout, you said faucet.””Actually.. I did say spout.. but WHATEVER.”.

    • I would have said “faucet” as well. “spout” wouldn’t have even crossed my mind and they are so quick to say they don’t have something if you don’t explain it just perfectly. Me and Home Depot don’t mesh.

  • I am lost when it comes to Home Depot, I can manage through the gardening section but that’s about it. Good job!! He does owe you, lol.

  • Gosh, I so, so, so agree with you on this post – but you put it in such a funny, eloquent way it made me laugh and cry, oh the frustration of those places. I love your outburst to the guy assuming you were ‘posting to FB’ …if only he knew!
    #CreativeBloggersNetwork

  • This is how I feel every time I go in for supplies for a new project. I know what I’m doing yet they talj down to me. Bitch, I know what a drill is and how to use it.

  • This is hilarious! I actually love going to hardware stores, except Home Depot. My experience with the customer service is always exactly as you described. I love that you had a quick comeback to the dick asking about FB. I’m not that quick, I would have stuttered, or just glared. Both equally as useless.

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