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WTF?

The following post recounts 10 minutes of continuous uninterrupted moments of “What The Fuck?”

I crashed out on the couch at 9pm. I awoke from a deep sleep and sleeping well is not my forte. I was laying down but my legs were demonstrating the ‘butterfly’ stretch.  Wow! I slept like this? Wtf?(uncertain inner monologue). 

I was exceptionally comfortable.  This was the 30 seconds of calm before the shit storm.  I was groggy but alert enough to realize that the hubbs who I’d been affectionately cuddling with earlier had completely abandoned me.  I was alone, and had been thrown to the wolves.

I sat up and turned around to find all 3 children strewn about the living room completely passed out. Wtf? (confused inner monologue).  

I made my way to the 4 year old who gets priority for the simple fact that in certain circumstances of exhaustion, fails to make his way to the john.  I picked him up and was immediately soaked in pee.  Wtf? (still inner monologue but with a slight disappointed sigh added in for emphasis).

 I changed his clothes and put him to bed.  Sorry, It was 11:30 pm and I was not putting him in the shower.  Mommy fail?  Whateves!  Mommy tired.

While making my way to the bathroom to pee, I noticed a silver spoon coated in dry crusted peanut butter shmegma shimmering in the glow of ” Mr. Peebody’s” Spider-Man nightlight. Wtf? Why is that there? Gross (inner monologue; questioning my parenting skills).   

Upon exiting the facilities, the ball of my foot was violently met with a hard jagged object almost as painful as a Lego in the dark…yet different.  A nectarine pit? At the foot of my bed?  Wtf? ( whimpering inner monologue). 

Peach fruit stone on black

I took that son of a bitch to the bathroom trash can and in my peripheral vision found a visitor in the form of a cricket galavanting around my bathtub. Wtf? (now in a “fearful of creepy crawlys” whisper). What else explores my house when I’m sleeping?

I scooped him up and took him outside.  Why not kill him you might ask?  Crickets are supposed to be good luck and I’m not messing with that ju ju.  After releasing “Jiminy” into the wild I noticed that the designated backyard Playdoh station had been completely neglected.  All lids had been left off for said Playdoh to dry out and become “rockdoh.”  Wtf? (amplified disappointed whisper).

That was it! I was going to bed.  I should have just stayed on the damn couch!  While reaching to remove the unnecessary amount of throw pillows from my bed so I could actually sleep in it,  I felt a sharp pain. What’s jabbing me right below my left nipple?  A penny! In the shelf bra of my nightshirt!

honest abe

 

Wtf? How? Why?(pissed off whisper).  Honest Abe was getting fresh and I was not in the mood. I removed the penny from my minuscule excuse of a breast and set it on my nightstand.  I had to keep it safe so it could be transferred to my change jar in the morning. Find a penny, pick it up…blah, blah, blah.  

My coin concentration was broken by my hubby’s insanely loud snoring.  Watching him sleep deeply and peacefully, I was feeling the sting of abandonment.  I mean, we’re supposed to be a team!

I pulled back the covers with force…to make myself feel better, and found a slice of black forest ham and a strawberry entwined in my sheets.  Plastic of course, from the ever popular play kitchen. Not real food! Geezus, I’m not raising savages, but again WTF?(now in a normal “I’m gonna cut someone” conversation voice-emphasis on the last initial). 

The lumberjack sawing logs next to me didn’t even flinch. I did what any respectable loving wife would do.

Put an end to snoring

 

I threw one of many throw pillows(hence the name) at his face and jabbed him in the ribs with my elbow.  Just enough to make him snort like a pig, wake up confused and roll over in uncertainty.  The following morning he asked  “WTf was that last night?”  Undeniably perfect segue.  OHHH, let me tell you about WTF?

 

If you find yourself saying WTF? often and you think I am somewhat funny, click here and vote for me!!!!! It helps me move up in the ranks!!!  Thank you! (:

tmblogo

 

About the author

Sara Pittman

Sara is from sunny San Diego CA. She is a wife, busy mother of 3 and amateur chef stumbling through organized chaos on a daily basis using sarcasm and humor to soften the blow...that's what she said. She will take any opportunity to demonstrate the running man in public and enjoys being a sarcastic smart ass.

16 Comments

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  • The other night I got home from work at 10:30pm and found my won AWAKE watching DVR’ed episodes of Paw Patrol.. because my hubby had passed out in my toddler daughter’s room while trying to get her to bed! ha! It was a big WTF moment!

  • Oh, they don’t go away when your kids are older, trust me! However, at 59 now, my WTF moments seem to happen every single day, probably due to the fact that I cannot remember a damn thing. Mostly it is, WTF did I come in the kitchen for??? WTF did I come into the bedroom for??? Hahaha, they never go away! Oh, and lego’s – I hate them!!! LOL

  • hahaha! Oh, Sara, this was fantastic. You are not alone. I found my child cradling a porcelain cereal bowl yesterday morning when we woke her up for school…while she was still asleep. She’d likely been like that ALL night. I also woke up one morning to a piggy bank in my bed. A piggy bank with a tutu. Yep.
    This was hilarious, Sara. lol

  • This was awesome! I was laughing the whole time and can relate to so many WTF moments. Having kids (I have 3) can be weird. Kids are weird and random on a good day. So many times I wonder if this just happened, is this normal. Nice to know it is all normal. Also I get so much the need to throw pillows at the sleeping husband. Mine passes out before his head hits the pillow and hears nothing. If I wake him up because I hear a noise, and him being the man needs to investigate. It gets weird. He stumbles, shirt off, not knowing what is going on. If there was a scary person breaking into our house he would probably welcome him in, give him a drink and show him to the guest room in his sleep induced haze. You are so funny and I am so happy I found your blog, I will be reading along, and giggling all the way!

  • Oh man this was funny. I am quite intrigued by the random food items you found in your path. 😉 Our dogs would have remedied that situation quickly! I might have killed the hubbs if I were you… what a mess! Hope you got SOME rest after all of that!

    Thank you for stopping by The Innovative Mama! Nice to meet you, love your blog!

  • OMG, when you said that you found black forest ham in your bed, I almost pissed myself. At the rate you were going, I thought it was going to be real!! How gross would that be. If it makes you feel any better, my little dog gave me several WTF moments the other night. She jumped off the bed 2 times at 1 and 4 am, which means she’s about to piss or shit on the floor… I thought we let her out in time, but I found a nice pile of doggie doo doo on the carpet next morning… WTF little god. You’re killing me!

  • I’m hysterical as I read this, b/c “WTF?! seems to be my default reaction these days to most happenings inside my house. But it’s even worse when you awaken, still in delirium, to face crazy stuff like that!!

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